Reflections

I rarely look back, so much is happening right before my eyes. However I recently had the privilege to reflect on the opportunities for service that I have had in my Life. I can truly say that service has served me well. it seems that ever since I was a pre-teen I have been preoccupied with spiritual things. I can remember in middle school fasting with the church I was attending for 10 days and trying to pay attention in class. I can only imagine what my parents must have been thinking.
Even their background and spiritual interests were of the most importance to me. There is an attraction I have to the process of unfoldment, the spiritual journey, we sometimes call it. In hindsight I think I was always trying to crack the code, map the process. I was looking for the way to enlightenment. Interestingly, I was always alone. Even becoming a part of spiritual communities didn't provide the sense of camaraderie I had been searching for. I always felt that I was in alien territory, even in my family. So, I developed a capacity to "help." It was my way of fostering a connection to other people, mainly because I felt oddball. After a while I did experience that connection. As I grew, I also experienced a profound sense of Love. In realizing we are all one and what you do for others you ultimately do for Self, I began to receive on a whole new level, the more I gave of myself. It was a little intoxicating at first, coming from a sense that no good deed goes unpunished to experiencing the bliss of being a need answered, knowing still that what is true for one is true for all. I have with a few small adjustments in my thinking, experienced both sides of the coin. And really that is the point, giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. It's just a thought, so they say. It's a thing.

midnight musing

I woke up realizing that ultimately, my Love life as it were, is made up as much by the Love's I choose to release as it is the Love that I cling to. Not just the men themselves, because in this case I am speaking of men, but even the way I release and continue to hold. Everything has a quality, a texture, a color, a tone. Being a rich child of God often means that you get to do the difficult thing with ease and grace, jewel-toned even.

I imagine each of my lovers as a treasure of inestimable value that has been deposited directly in my path. I appreciate the miracle each of us is. Then move to make an appropriate relationship. Often I am overtaken by my own affinity for nice things and I prematurely adorn myself, or indulge myself with their bling. But I can never stop being the star that I would hitch my wagon to. in other words: I love hard and fast and never more than I love myself. I believe paths may cross and run alongside each other for miles and in some cases merge. Regardless, one always has their own way to go, an individualized calling of purpose, spiritual evolution and expression as unique as one's Self, and full of the infinite possibility we each are.

If it seems that I am talking in circles, I am. The concentric circles of Life. Patterns that expand and are continuous because the Source is the same. We are all one and when we release someone or some behaviour in regard to some one, we trade one type of relationship for another. If, in the movement of all these parts of ourselves and others, we are conscious of our oneness, we are consciously co-creating this Love life.

I choose Love because I have experienced all the fear I care to and much I did not care to. Also, I realize that with Love I am opening the doors and windows and becoming a magnet for my highest good to flow in, through, and as me in every situation. Fear is a possibility killer. When I am in Love, I am an expression of the touch, the taste, the feel, and the sound of Love. I have found it to be a language that is easily understood. It has a million ways to say YES.

When I am face to face with a lover who I am clear I must release again I say yes. I say yes, I will have the Love life that works for me and my lover. Yes, I am willing to let go of what I don't want for what I desire at my core. Yes, I know it is seeking me as I am seeking it. Yes, I am good. Yes, you are good. Yes, let's both have, instead of each other, what is good for us.

Also, when I am face to face with a lover that I am clear I am called to be with I say yes. Yes, I am present and available. Yes, I am intentionally being a beneficent presence in your life. Yes, I will be truthful. Yes, I agree. Yes, let's play. Yes, I choose you.

Yes is a declaration of freedom, in this way. Giving the heart freedom to be open and receptive. This heart stands in all of it's power and chooses. Of course, there is the way of obligation, the way of fear. There are always options; there are always possibilities. It is our way of being that allows us to be aware of those possibilities in every situation. When my heart swells I will not tie it down or try to repress it in any way. I open myself and let the Love flow. I find the yes. Try it.

Be with me now
In every breath and
every movement
let's know more ourselves and each other
we are here
not by accident
open the sanctuary doors and
I will pray at the altar
of the Divine
within you
I am grateful
to reach the steps of your
temple
you can trust my reverence
will not expire
I hear the call
to prayer
and remove my shoes
you do the same
and when we touch
smelling the incense
meant for us
this heaven
where tears once were
we have a birthed a
light that cannot die.

That's why your feet hurt...

Someone once told me that at any given time the best I could do would be to stop kidding myself...then laughed, ironically. It's not uncommon in my experience for a friend to give me profound advice in a joking manner. But come on, stop kidding yourself, ha ha. When I thought about it I realized that very often, that's how life is.
There's an African proverb that describes the creation of the universe from itself as beginning with a "rebounding force." The back and forth movement that is present in the creation of all things. Even our thoughts may waiver on a point of focus. We may see the end result and begin to flesh out the details of what we are creating. But as the form takes shape in our mind capturing the texture of each quality we are expressing in the creation of this "thing" feels sometimes like trying to get in on double-dutch. We may even get hit in the head with one or both of the ropes before we finally get it together. And as is true with double-dutching the more you practice the better you become.
Think about it(ha ha), everyday I look at a vision board with images that I designed to provoke and help to maintain the feeling of having my BIG dream fulfilled. It covers several areas of life: romance, community, finances, work, image and so forth. So every morning I leave the house living my dream...then life happens. By three in the afternoon my dream may be deferred quite a bit. However, I have noticed my mornings are gaining increased momentum. I'm hanging out in my dream longer and longer and it is becoming clearer and clearer. And let me clarify, I don't spend my time imagining I'm somewhere else and daydreaming. Again, I am operating in full possession of the qualities that I want to express as a part of my BIG dream. That part, of course, being me. I am living from my desire fulfilled. So I am even more present to what is, with the understanding that it is an essential part of what needs to occur to get me to my dream. But first I really did stop kidding myself. I have learned is how to recognize the "not quite my dream" come true, and say "No, thank you." Choosing the real me and my actual desire everyday.
If God really is everywhere, and there is no where that God is not. And God is substance taking the perfect form for my life then why compromise?